checking one 2 three

Something changed....

It's been months since I blogged....damn, I miss writing my whatevers here...

Updates, updates..

Hmmm, a lot has happened...

I graduated already, Nursing. Reviewed for the boards, taken it and passed it! Thank you Lord for that! And now I'm working, as a Technical Support Representative in TP, doing some sucky stuff on Verizon internet in the States.

I mean, I'm happy that I have a job...but still, there are just some things that I wish I had done before facing the corporate world.

VACATION!!! I've never been given even a week of problem-free solitude, I would have wanted to be on hermit-mode in Batanes, to walk around, just thingking about nothing at all...but I wasn't given the opportunity ...

So here I am, working my ass off to save for my dreams...

Problems have been also a main stay in my life, no one really gets away from it, but yeah, it just seems that these things are so burdening to the point of you just wanna surrender to the feeling of hopelessness...

But I never did manage to let myself wallow in that bottomless pit, I am 20 now, I am someone I may not recognize if I am still the same old 18 person that I am.

Truthfully, maturity kinda took it's toll on me, earlier than I ever expected. I am not ashamed of what I did in the past, because it's what gave me this strong heart that I have now. The heart that is much more stronger, open minded and stands up for herself. 

It is a compliment that everyone in work says that I act and talk mature than most of them (they're 20-30++ people), but there is always something bothering me, because I don't really wanna be that mature fast....there are still some things that I have not yet experienced, a lot...and I am so much looking forward to it. But sometimes loneliness can be just effin' crazy.

I never had any relationship with anyone, my friends are enough, as I might often say, but sometimes you just can't say that anymore, especially when you have no one to talk to at night. The need of having someone just for you is very mush vexing. There have been a lot of opportunities that came and presented me with that chance, but I never did grab it. I am a paranoid, scared one I may honestly say, but it dawned to me, why ever go into a relationship if it's just for the sake of having it. So now here I am...

Hoping that something interesting will go on with my life, something that can lighten up my life...

eheheh...sorry for the drama...

I'll be leaving ...SOON!!

Natsumi will go on a far far away land....well not actually. It's just Antipolo, but still a months worth of not "actually" seeing my friends and going to cons. It will be a sacrifice I know, but it will gain something....MY RN LICENCE.

Honestly, I'm still feeling anxiet(seperation or whatnots)....leaving my mom on her own, I never did that. It will be hard, my comfort zone will be away, her support never wavers even if we do fight :always::.

And well, sleeping with someone else ( actually four other people) is gonna be weird. Change is very much scary, I'm open, but very much scary. I will do my best to be on my "Natsy-study-mode" and disregard my distractions. Oh God...help me!

My dear friends, I now ask for your prayers and some words of encouragements, this trial is very much exciting and very much scary, it might dictate my life's journey. Im happy to be actually getting to let go some of my anxiety in this blog.

I might not be able to answer much of your messages for awhile, but rest assured when all this ends....we are gonna PARTEEHH...yeay ...my happy self os getting back... 

bye for now....im gonna pray also for you...love you all <3!!!!

On one of my darkest events in my life...

This is for my friends that are REALLY worried for what I'm feeling ...

I'm just following the advice of one of my friends...

I am honestly feeling dreadfully mortified, sad, lost and very much helpless. I failed yet another exam, the enrichment exam that supposed to be the salvation for graduation. Albeit it is a fact...and Ma'am Uayan did promise that she will never fail anyone of us and will do all her best in helping us to pass...it just didn't go as planned for ME.

I did study...funny thing is, I even relate some of the management principles and almost all the topics to real life experiences to have concrete and very much understandable examples for myself and also to my friends...which was like applying it all. I did understand the concept, I did study, I did pray, I trusted and lifted my self into positivity to be able to strengthen and coach myself into passing this very IMPORTANT test.

I mean...I did understand it more clearly now comparing with myself from the past test. I had the score of 145...5 points short from the indicated 75% passing mark that we agreed upon on a contract we all signed. 5 points that made a searing shot unto my heart. Ma'am Uayan already rechecked my paper, only to find 148 correct answers. 2 ACTUAL points that I have lacked.

I sat there staring blankly at my rechecked paper that she has kindly shown me. I didn't know what to do. I FAILED. What did I miss? She did give us almost the same questions that they have already given. But my mind just went into a silent buzz. I felt stupid....seriously stupid, staring absent-mindedly at my answers. But all I can do is accept it, it is my paper after all, as she pointed it out. I'm just blank ..as blank as I can be for a series of different emotions ran through my body. My knees....and probably my whole body was shaking within. I can't cry...I can't even breath...and for a second there I almost felt that I was going to hyper-ventilate in front of her. But I didn't. I just collected myself, hearing out most of her instructions on how I will proceed with the matter with a plain pained face. She said it isn't the end and I very well know and understand that, I am still composed and calm as I took it all.

It almost went to 10mins, she was urging me to just move on. And I did, with all the remaining strenght that I can still muster...I went out of the room. Everyone was waiting for the happy exclamation that they hoped was to come out from me....but it never did. I just went out of the way, away from most of the expectant eyes, to a corner. Tears where beginning to form as I can very much feel it in my eyes as I can hear my friends approaching me, eager to know what happened, concerned. I couldn't look at their eyes, the worry that I hear coming from their voice just broke me into pieces. I am not one of them. Not one of those who passed. I felt helpless and all the emotions that I very much masked away from Ma'am Uayan. I cried. Cried helplessly and as silently as I can, as I can't muster myself to throw off a well-deserved tantrum. I cried...but I never felt the relief from the anger and sadness that I felt. I can't let it ALL out even if I cried. I am tired, ..I can't fight anymore, I've given all I've got to that test...all of which caved in.

I felt more people neared me, worried on my demise. But I just can't face them with my failure. I'm very much greatfull that they stayed with me, whispering words of encouragement, patiently waiting for me rise out from crying.

Shaken and very much trying to control the feeling of despair, I stood up...I have to. Pity was what registered to me when I looked at their faces. It shot, tears went free flowing that I can't stop them. And as a way to try to regain my composure I went to the bathroom and downed my face with water...an act worthy for an anime scene.

I looked up at the mirror and played a mantra of "Natsumi, you can do this!" and very much made me start to cry once again ...but it was easier now to stop myself. I stepped out of the CR and was welcomed by the site of Ma'am Lim, our class adviser. She tried to talk to me, but the tears just flowed (yep, crybaby on the loose), especially when she tried to touch me. Her touch just made me went back to those horrid feelings and I know that it was rude, but I ran quickly away to the CR again, escaping her. She was one of the first people that really expressed their trust that I can make this in one go, but I didn't, and I very much remembered that at that moment. When I emerged, she was gone....and all I felt was numbness to the core. With a tear-strained face, my friends and I went to chapel to pray.

I know that God has a reason for what happened. I called out why, He knows I did what I can...but it just didn't came thru. I felt like a child at that chapel...telling what I felt. Tired. Just plain tired from all the emotion that came out and cant come out. Spent out from the battle, very much torn and battered. But I didn't blame Him or anyone. I accepted it for what it is, for I cant do anything now. It is hard to swallow, but thats all I can do.


********

I feel like a zombie now, while writing this blog. Tears evidently pass automaticaly as they cant show what I really felt inside.

I honestly don't know what strategy of studying will help me now as I am clearly exhausted from it. I know that I still have another chance. But at the back of my mind, possibilities of the future things that I can't do with my friends ran like; not being able to go to the thanksgiving party after passing 100% on the July boards, having oaths with them, being a Nurse with them...being happy with them.

But I have to move on...I have to stand up for myself. Even if I can't do that now, this simple pouring of my heart at this blog is a start. I have to start at somewhere. My own positive mantra will come soon. I already identified my weakness and accepted it...and still processing it.

This blog is for my loved ones who are dearly worried for me. I am showing and telling you now that I am slowly trying to emerge....slowly but still trying to be positive, so you dont have to worry much.

And please, a favor, if you do see me again, please try to hide the pity as I dont know how I can handle that anymore. But what I ask of you is your encouragement and prayers to pass this trial.

Thank you for understanding. God bless my friends and I'm sorry for those who I worried. And I am very much greatful to those people who stayed with me even if I can't talk at that moment, thank you for trying to make me smile and encouraging me...your efforts are not wasted

tik tok...your late!!

limbo state is just ....well...just plain floating...

it makes you think...it makes you very much gullible to almost any negative (or positive ) thoughts to linger much on your dreary hours.

tik tok tik tok...the clock strikes another hour and well....your very much in the same state as you've started....or in the same place, stuck, just staring blankly at that hypnotizing black spot on the wall...

you enter your own little "quiet world" on which all your childhood memories are scattered in the mess of your life....you take a look, and....

all the happy things and all the naughtiness....they all came back to you as if someone doused you with a bucketful of icy water, you smiled as you remembered that tingling feeling of  excitement and nervousness that you felt when your about to go to school...the wonder and newness that a new day can only offer....it is just but a smile away...

but you turned your very unwilling head...and you're greeted by a door, just there....just plain idly closed and tempting you to open it....you walked away from those things that you forlorn want to be with forever, but your curiosity just got the better of you....so whatever war waged inside your brain went useless as you neared the said door...

"a key should be made available for this annoying door" and so you thought, but there never was any when you looked around your "memory room" that you've unconsciously named. so you just went with your assumption .....that there's never gonna be a key.....so you gave in to that feeling of just plain being faced by a big wall...and your just to little and too fragile to just jump over the wretched wall...

you face the door yet again, wracking your brain on whatever idea comes up to enable you to open it.....then a shiny glint caught your eye and....unfortunately, it's not the key that you so wanted it to be, it is just but a shiny book, its gold painted spine adoringly meshed up with its black body. you picked it up, wondering how on earth could a very bewildering book be inside that quiet messed up room. you felt your fingers around the coverings, that were surprisingly just about the same texture as the skin of a snake. you opened the book and started to flip the pages. leaves dances freely from your fingers as you've discovered a weird hole at the middle, you looked closely and found the key, placed uncannily inside the etched hole. old victorian, that's what you thought when you pulled it out of the book, deep curves and unmistakable tiny writings of latin phrases were etched on the key head surrounded by wings, spread out with it's glory.

excited as you can be, you hastily went to the door, shaking hand with your precious key ,just about to put the key inside the lock.

and then.....a sudden prod from your side electrocuted you to reality, you turned and saw your friend, stupidly grinning at you as if it was a laughing matter. darn it, you thought, and i so wanted to know what's behind that door. but you never did.






p.s......ok, just wanted to tell a story...ahahahha

:3

ohohohho....oh joy!!! My Alma Mater Angelicum College is featured in Going Bulilit...lol, they're also wearing our uniforms...ohohoh, our serafoku-inspired dailies...<3!! I missed wearing them....o_0

malapit nah!!! Ozine 2010 na sa April 9-11!!! wooohhhoo....cosplay paradise yo!!!