On one of my darkest events in my life...

This is for my friends that are REALLY worried for what I'm feeling ...

I'm just following the advice of one of my friends...

I am honestly feeling dreadfully mortified, sad, lost and very much helpless. I failed yet another exam, the enrichment exam that supposed to be the salvation for graduation. Albeit it is a fact...and Ma'am Uayan did promise that she will never fail anyone of us and will do all her best in helping us to pass...it just didn't go as planned for ME.

I did study...funny thing is, I even relate some of the management principles and almost all the topics to real life experiences to have concrete and very much understandable examples for myself and also to my friends...which was like applying it all. I did understand the concept, I did study, I did pray, I trusted and lifted my self into positivity to be able to strengthen and coach myself into passing this very IMPORTANT test.

I mean...I did understand it more clearly now comparing with myself from the past test. I had the score of 145...5 points short from the indicated 75% passing mark that we agreed upon on a contract we all signed. 5 points that made a searing shot unto my heart. Ma'am Uayan already rechecked my paper, only to find 148 correct answers. 2 ACTUAL points that I have lacked.

I sat there staring blankly at my rechecked paper that she has kindly shown me. I didn't know what to do. I FAILED. What did I miss? She did give us almost the same questions that they have already given. But my mind just went into a silent buzz. I felt stupid....seriously stupid, staring absent-mindedly at my answers. But all I can do is accept it, it is my paper after all, as she pointed it out. I'm just blank ..as blank as I can be for a series of different emotions ran through my body. My knees....and probably my whole body was shaking within. I can't cry...I can't even breath...and for a second there I almost felt that I was going to hyper-ventilate in front of her. But I didn't. I just collected myself, hearing out most of her instructions on how I will proceed with the matter with a plain pained face. She said it isn't the end and I very well know and understand that, I am still composed and calm as I took it all.

It almost went to 10mins, she was urging me to just move on. And I did, with all the remaining strenght that I can still muster...I went out of the room. Everyone was waiting for the happy exclamation that they hoped was to come out from me....but it never did. I just went out of the way, away from most of the expectant eyes, to a corner. Tears where beginning to form as I can very much feel it in my eyes as I can hear my friends approaching me, eager to know what happened, concerned. I couldn't look at their eyes, the worry that I hear coming from their voice just broke me into pieces. I am not one of them. Not one of those who passed. I felt helpless and all the emotions that I very much masked away from Ma'am Uayan. I cried. Cried helplessly and as silently as I can, as I can't muster myself to throw off a well-deserved tantrum. I cried...but I never felt the relief from the anger and sadness that I felt. I can't let it ALL out even if I cried. I am tired, ..I can't fight anymore, I've given all I've got to that test...all of which caved in.

I felt more people neared me, worried on my demise. But I just can't face them with my failure. I'm very much greatfull that they stayed with me, whispering words of encouragement, patiently waiting for me rise out from crying.

Shaken and very much trying to control the feeling of despair, I stood up...I have to. Pity was what registered to me when I looked at their faces. It shot, tears went free flowing that I can't stop them. And as a way to try to regain my composure I went to the bathroom and downed my face with water...an act worthy for an anime scene.

I looked up at the mirror and played a mantra of "Natsumi, you can do this!" and very much made me start to cry once again ...but it was easier now to stop myself. I stepped out of the CR and was welcomed by the site of Ma'am Lim, our class adviser. She tried to talk to me, but the tears just flowed (yep, crybaby on the loose), especially when she tried to touch me. Her touch just made me went back to those horrid feelings and I know that it was rude, but I ran quickly away to the CR again, escaping her. She was one of the first people that really expressed their trust that I can make this in one go, but I didn't, and I very much remembered that at that moment. When I emerged, she was gone....and all I felt was numbness to the core. With a tear-strained face, my friends and I went to chapel to pray.

I know that God has a reason for what happened. I called out why, He knows I did what I can...but it just didn't came thru. I felt like a child at that chapel...telling what I felt. Tired. Just plain tired from all the emotion that came out and cant come out. Spent out from the battle, very much torn and battered. But I didn't blame Him or anyone. I accepted it for what it is, for I cant do anything now. It is hard to swallow, but thats all I can do.


********

I feel like a zombie now, while writing this blog. Tears evidently pass automaticaly as they cant show what I really felt inside.

I honestly don't know what strategy of studying will help me now as I am clearly exhausted from it. I know that I still have another chance. But at the back of my mind, possibilities of the future things that I can't do with my friends ran like; not being able to go to the thanksgiving party after passing 100% on the July boards, having oaths with them, being a Nurse with them...being happy with them.

But I have to move on...I have to stand up for myself. Even if I can't do that now, this simple pouring of my heart at this blog is a start. I have to start at somewhere. My own positive mantra will come soon. I already identified my weakness and accepted it...and still processing it.

This blog is for my loved ones who are dearly worried for me. I am showing and telling you now that I am slowly trying to emerge....slowly but still trying to be positive, so you dont have to worry much.

And please, a favor, if you do see me again, please try to hide the pity as I dont know how I can handle that anymore. But what I ask of you is your encouragement and prayers to pass this trial.

Thank you for understanding. God bless my friends and I'm sorry for those who I worried. And I am very much greatful to those people who stayed with me even if I can't talk at that moment, thank you for trying to make me smile and encouraging me...your efforts are not wasted